Find a way not to let it eat you away
by Calleigh's little girl
Summary: Requested by Sammy Elle.This is the sequel to her story "Searching Comfort".All those who asked themselves if it's really over or not gonna find it out when reading this!Chap 3 is up, chap one slightly rewritten! Please R&R!
1. Fallen

**Discs.:** **I don't own CM nor its characters!**

**A/N: This is the version corrected by my beta!**

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Find a way to not let it eat you away

_1. Fallen_

When Elle woke up she needed a moment to remember the events of the past night.

Haley had found out about Hotch's infidelity, he had left her place in the middle of the night and they both knew that it was over. He couldn't risk to lose his family...

She felt like the tears started threatening to break free again, but she won't let it happen. She had cried almost all night - until she was so exhausted that she simply fall asleep. Elle bit her lower lip to keep herself from crying again.

A moment later she finally got up, she didn't take the time to change in some of her own clothes, instead she kept Hotch's shirt on. Then she went downstairs and decided to get some coffee to distract herself.

As she entered the living-room she turned on the stereo. When the first song came on she sat down on the couch and took a sip of the coffee.

_Would your love in all its finery_

_tear at the darkness all around me_

_until I can breathe again_

_until I can believe again_

She still smelt the scent of him on his shirt she was wearing. When the chorus started she was unable to take it any longer and started to cry as memories rushed back.

_'Cause I'm a train wreck waiting to happen_

_waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks_

_a wild fire born of frustration_

_born of the one love that gets me so high_

_I've no fear at all_

Elle was shaking from her sobs by now. She remembered their first night with each other, she remembered when he had confided in her concerning his childhood - the weekend they had spent together out of town.

_Flashback :_

When they woke up at the second morning, Sunday, they were still lying on the couch. Her neck was stiff but she didn't care - all that mattered was that she woke up next to Hotch. He gave her a soft kiss on her lips as he noticed that she was awake. They shared a happy smile. It just seemed so perfect...

_Would your eyes like midnight fireflies_

_light up the trenches where my heart lies_

_until I can see again _

_to find my way back again_

...They knew they had still a complete day they could spend together. Around noon they left the house to get somewhere for lunch. When they came back they sat down in the living-room and talked; unaware of the passing of time...

_'Cause I'm a train wreck waiting to happen _

_waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks_

_a wild fire born of frustration_

_born of the one love that gets me so high_

_I've no fear at all_

When the daylight started fading Hotch pulled her up and led her outside. It had been a sunny day and the air was still warm; nonetheless Hotch put on a jacket. As he closed and locked the door after they had left the house, Elle took in his appearance.

_To fall so deep into you _

_lose myself completely_

_in your sweet embrace_

_all my pain's erased_

"What's the matter?" He asked, smiling, when he saw her facial expression. She smiled back.

"Nothing...It's just kinda weird to see you in casual clothes instead of in a suit..."

He slowly closed the space between them.

"Would you prefer it if I wore a suit?"

She only shook her head no. He had walked a few steps ahead of her, then he turned back toward her, lifted his hand and stretched it out to her.

"Come, I wanna show you something..."

She grabbed his hand and they started walking.

A few minutes later she exclaimed : "My god, this place is wonderful!"

They were standing in front of a small lake, surrounded by some trees and an ocean of beautiful flowers.

"Glad you like it."

He drew her closer to him and kissed her softly. Then she turned back around to enjoy the sight. He put his arms around her, looking as well at the small lake in front of them. For a while they just watched the gleaming, little fireflies flying over the lake in perfect silence.

When he noticed that her whole body was shaking and her teeth were chattering, now that it had gotten pretty chilly, Hotch took off his jacket and draped it around her shoulders.

"I think we should go back now before we catch a cold."

She once again only nodded. When they turned to go he put an arm around her slender waist and she snuggled as close to him as possible, leaning her head against his shoulder. Like this they walked slowly and totally quiet back.

Back at the house they decided to make something for dinner. While their fixing their meal they teased each other over and over again.

"How is it that you can cook so well?"

She leaned against the kitchen counter and looked at him.

"I can do a lot of things...Do you really think men can't cook?"

He walked up to her until he stood merely a few inches away from her; he put his hands to both of her sides on the counter.

"That depends on two things."

"And which two things would that be?"

They locked eyes, both a teasing smile on their face.

"First of all it depends on what you call 'cooking' - everybody can shove a pizza into the oven. And secondly it depends on the type of guy...Just to give two easy examples...Reid might be a genius but can you picture him cooking? And Morgan? He is a total macho - he probably orders takeout all the time..."

"So what kind of guy am I in your opinion?"

He gave her a look of mock-irritation. But she was up to the challenge - like always when they teased each other, which had become a part of their usual way of interacting a long time ago.

Not many people knew that Hotch had in deed some kind of humor - pretty much the same as Elle herself. They always had a good remark for the other one and Elle never minced matters just because he was her boss.

It hadn't taken them long to earn each others respect, they had also quickly realized that they had quite a lot in common concerning the way they dealed with the job, their working methods - their way of thinking. It had been quite easy for them to bounce ideas with each other right from the very first day.

Given all those little similarities friendship followed easily - but only after the incident in Texas Hotch had started to let his guard down around her - and they had started teasing each other from time to time...

"Well, you are quite independent, a real gentleman...You respect women..."

He silenced her with a kiss...

_End flashback _

_From your mouth it's all that I wish_

_the mercy of your lips just one kiss_

_until I can breathe again_

_until I can sing again_

She had enjoyed their weekend together so much. They had laughed so much with each other.

Though her sobs had finally subsided; the pain was almost unbearable for her. She knew it had been wrong - he was married; he had a little son and had been her boss...Still it had felt so right to be with him...

_'Cause I'm a train wreck waiting to happen_

_waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks _

_a wild fire born of frustration_

_born of the one love that gets me so high_

_I've no fear at all._

Suddenly Elle realized that she had to get her life back on track. She remembered what Hotch had said when she had been in Seattle to help the team in solving a specific case - according to him she was still an agent, because he hadn't filed in the necessary paperwork.

But she doubted to be able to handle working with the BAU right now - it would be too painful to be around him all the time...Another moment passed, then she picked up the phone and dialed a number.

When she hung up several minutes later a relieved smile appeared on her face. She emptied her cup of coffee, then she got up and went upstairs. While she took a shower she decided to simply push her sorrows aside - she had known from the beginning that it was only an affair for him...She could never be more to him than a good friend - simply because Haley and Jack possessed his heart...Elle sighed heavily; it was pointless to think so much about it - she had a lot of more important things to do right now...

_Tbc_

**_A/N: Hope u liked it..._**


	2. What she's doin' now

**Discs.: I don't own CM nor its characters!**

**A/N: Like I promised - here's chapter two, this time from Hotch's POV!**

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Find a way not to let it eat you away

_2. What she's doing doing now?_

Hotch was sitting in one corner of the plane, while they were on the way back to Quantico. He was totally lost in his thoughts. But he tried to make everyone around believe he was okay.

When they finally arrived in Quantico he went straight to his office. He couldn't believe that only one month had passed since Haley had found out...It had felt like eternity!

He had called Elle over and over again during the first two weeks and had stopped by at her place to make sure that she could handle it...

_Last time I saw her it was turnin' colder_

_But that was years ago_

_Last I heard she had moved to Boulder_

_But where she's now, I don't know_

_But there's somethin' 'bout this time of year_

_That spins my head around_

_Takes me back, makes me wonder_

_What she's doin' now_

But she hadn't reacted so he gave up. He spent as much time at the office as anyway possible. Even the fact that Haley and he wanted to work things out changed not that they were arguing most of the time with each other. Her jealousy annoyed him as well as all her calls.

Of course he knew that it was his own fault that she didn't trust him anymore...

He was interrupted in his train of thought by a knock against his door.

"Yeah?" He looked up and saw Prentiss entering the room.

"You got a moment?"

"Sure. What's up?"

She closed the door and took a seat in front of his desk.

She handed him a sheet of paper, he read it and stated:

"A request for transfering back to your old team..." He looked questioning at her.

"This case made me realize a few things...One of them is that I can't do this any longer. I questioned my decision to work for the BAU before, but now I'm sure..."

"Okay...Seems you gave this a lot of thinking and you are sure that it is the right thing to do?"

"Yeah, I already talked with my former boss and also with the others..."

Hotch nodded and signed the sheet of paper. Prentiss thanked him and left. He knew he won't miss her...His mind went instantly back to Elle.

_Cause what she's doin' now is tearin' me apart_

_Fillin' up my mind and emptying my heart_

_I can hear her call each time the cold wind blows_

_And I wonder if she knows what she's doin' now_

_Two days later:_

Hotch was sitting at home, reading personal files of agents who wanted the open position in the BAU. Haley was mad, because he had spent all night with that - but she had wanted him to come home. He sighed, he was tired but couldn't sleep, too many things were bothering him...He got up and went to the kitchen. When he saw Haley he forced a smile on his face.

"How did you sleep?" They locked eyes.

"I would have slept better if you had been there..."

Hotch closed his eyes for a moment.

"I'm sorry, but I need to get through these files..."

He gave her a soft kiss, "Listen, I have to get to the office..."

She only nodded.

_Just for laughs, I dialed her old number_

_But no one knew her name_

_Hung up the phone, sat there and wondered_

_If she'd ever done the same_

_I took a walk in the evenin' wind_

_To clear my head somehow_

_But tonight I lie here thinkin'_

_What she's doin' now?_

_At the office:_

His phone started ringing.

"Hotchner."

"Hello, this is SSA Chase from New York City."

"What can I do for you?"

"Uhm, this might sound strange, but, uh, could you do me a favor?"

"That depends on what kind of favor that would be..."

"It's about one of your former agents - Elle Greenaway..."

Hotch was taken aback. After a few seconds he forced himself to say :

"What's the matter? Is something wrong?"

"No! She is a really great agent. But in the last three weeks - since she works for me - I realized that she is totally over qualified and I wondered if you want her back with the BAU..."

"Well, in fact there just got a position free..."

"Wonderful! When can she start?"

Hotch thought for a moment then he simply said :

"As soon as possible."

"Great. Bye."

"Bye."

Hotch frowned when he started to question his motives...

_Cause what she's doin' now is tearin' me apart_

_Fillin' up my mind and emptying my heart _

_I can hear her call each time the cold wind blows_

_And I wonder if she knows what she's doin' now._

He should have asked what she was thinking about coming back, but he didn't. He simply needed her around. The truth was that it had been far more for him than just a fling. After the first shock about the fact that Haley had found out had sunk in, Hotch had realized that he had fallen for Elle.

He was confused, he had never even considered that she could ever be more for him than just a good friend...

Sure he had felt the attraction - but even during the affair love hadn't been in the picture for him. Still he had known it subconsciously all along.

From the very first day they had gotten along with each other just great.

After what happened in Texas their friendship had gotten tighter. It had been like a wake up call for him...And he opened up to her more, they started to tease each other from time to time. She had been able to make him smile - even if in most cases inwardly...

She had impressed him with her independence, her dedication to her job, her tough-as-nails demeanor...A simple smile of her was already lightening up his mood. She was always up to prove her ability to handle things, never taking crap from anyone. He missed all of that!

He missed her - and knew the others did so as well...He felt like a complete fool for letting her go...

There was certainly a lot of truth in the saying, you never know how much something means to you - until it's gone.

Still he was too much a coward to tell Haley truth and leave her...He let out a heavy sigh.

However, Elle would be back soon...That was the only thing which counted at the moment.

_Tbc_

**A/N: Hope you liked it! Please take the time to review!**


	3. Confusion

**Discs.: I don't own CM nor its characters!**

**A/N: Just like I promised the third chapter...Not sure concerning the POV - though most stuff I write is actually from Hotch's POV!**

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Find a way not to let it eat you away

_3. Confusion_

When she entered the bullpen she wondered once again why she had simply accepted the decision of David Chase. She was interrupted in her thoughts the moment Morgan noticed her and exclaimed happily :

"Elle!"

He went to her threw his arms around her and pulled her up, spinning around with her. As he let her go JJ and Reid hugged her as well.

"So what are you doing here?" Morgan asked.

"Hotch didn't tell you?"

" Tell us what?" Reid wanted to know.

Elle smiled and replied : "That I'm back..."

"Really?" When Elle nodded JJ went on, "Wow, that's great!"

_Meanwhile :_

Hotch had gotten up to get some coffee. When he opened his office door he saw the others - welcoming Elle. He was surprised that she was already there - it had been only four days since his conversation with SSA Chase...

In that moment JJ turned and saw him.

"Hey Hotch, I got that file you asked for..."

She walked up to him and handed him a file.

"Thanks. You got everything ready for the briefing?"

"Yeah, I had just gone to tell Reid and Morgan when Elle came in..."

_After the briefing :_

When the others had left the conference room Elle approached him.

"Hey Hotch..."

"Hey, welcome back."

Elle smiled. "Why haven't you told the others I would be back?"

"I wanted to tell them, but we had a lot of work to do - and I actually hadn't thought that you would be back so soon..."

_In Portland, the next afternoon ._

Hotch and Elle were at an old, abandoned warehouse to arrest a petty drug dealer, who might know something about the UnSub.

They were already pretty sure that he wasn't there when he appeared out of the nowhere and pointed a gun at Elle. She stood there totally paralyzed; unable to do anything.

Hotch thought barely a second before he pulled his gun and pushed Elle out of the line of fire - taking them both to the ground. At the same time he pulled the trigger himself.

He knew he had hit his target...

Elle and Hotch sat up and he asked breathlessly :

"Are you okay, Elle?"

She nodded slowly, then she looked at him and exclaimed :

"Oh my god! Hotch, you're bleeding..."

He glanced at his left arm and saw the blood...Now that the adrenaline rush was over he also felt the pain, caused by the bullet which had grazed his arm.

"It's only superficial..."

He was unable to went any further when Elle slapped him into the face and yelled at him :

"Don't do this ever again!"

For a few seconds they just sat there, shocked by her outburst. He looked at her and saw something in her eyes he was incapable to decipher. Then Elle hurried to get up. She pulled out her cell phone to call two ambulences and the others.

Hotch kept sitting on the ground for a little longer, then he got up to check on the suspect.

_Back at the Field Office :_

He had been right - his wound was only superficial. Still Elle was totally mad at him and hadn't spoken a single word with him yet. _Wow, this was going just great! Elle was only one day back and already totally angry at him, _Hotch thought, he smirked for a moment then he let out a sad sigh and went to get himself some coffee. When he wanted to enter the break room he heard JJ asking :

"Elle, why are you so mad at Hotch? I mean, he saved your life..."

"That's exactly the point - he could have gotten himself killed..."

Hotch closed his eyes for a moment when he suddenly realized why Elle was so angry - he knew that in case he had been injured worse she had felt responsible for it...

A short moment later he heard JJ reply :

"You know, after you got shot, Hotch felt like it had been his fault...If something happened to you again I seriously doubt he could take that..."

"You're right - but then again he doesn't need to feel like the whole world rests upon his shoulders."

"Well, you know him, it's just one of his habits...As well as that he barely smiles, sharing personal stuff - still there are moments when he seems more at ease, when he is going out of his ways - you are doing that..."

JJ smiled.

Elle showed a small smile, she knew exactly what JJ meant. Somehow she felt better now and her anger was slowly subsiding...

_Two days later, at the evening :_

After the team had arrived back at Quantico they had first ordered some Chinese take-out and had gathered around at the conference room.

When they had finished eating and filling Elle in about what had happened since they had last seen each other they went to do their paperwork.

_Some time around midnight :_

When Hotch was finally done with his paperwork he let out a sigh. He didn't want to go home yet. Someone knocked against his office-door. A moment later it was opened by JJ.

"Hey Hotch, uh, Morgan just suggested to head out and get some drinks to celebrate that Elle's back...You're coming too?"

Hotch only nodded. He knew that he should go home, but he didn't care anymore. Haley would be mad at him anyways. So he got up and followed JJ to the bullpen, where the others where already waiting.

_At a bar :_

The others were glad to see Hotch so at ease - in the last few weeks he had seemed on edge...But now he smiled. They only ones missing in the group were Garcia and Gideon.

After some time Morgan asked Elle to dance with him and they left.

While watching them Reid stated :

"It's great that Elle is back..."

"Yeah, when seeing here the way she is since we got back from Portland you could really believe it never happened..."

JJ trailed off when she saw Hotch frown. But only a second later his smile returned. A few minutes later Elle and Morgan came back. They sat down, Elle took a sip of her drink, then she got up and smirked at Hotch.

"Hey Hotch, you're up for a dance?"

She gave him a teasing look. Hotch thought for a moment, then he said, smiling :

"Why not..."

Elle's smile widened given the fact that she'd won. He knew that she won't have stopped asking so he had simply surrendered. While the others laughed Hotch got up, Elle grabbed his hand and pulled him to the dancefloor.

"You think she planned that?" Reid asked.

"Maybe, but who knows..." Morgan replied.

He and JJ exchanged a knowing glance. Then the three agents continued watching their two colleagues.

"Did you notice how relaxed Hotch is? He smiled in the last four days more than in the complete last year..." Morgan went on.

"Probably it is because Elle is now again the way she had been before she was shot..." Reid mused.

"Hey guys, why don't we just enjoy the fact that they are both so at ease?" JJ stated simply.

When a slow dance-number came on they watched how Hotch drew Elle closer, putting his arms around her slender waist, while she put her arms around his neck. He bent down and whispered something into her ear. Elle looked at him and mouthed an answer. They smiled at each other and locked eyes.

Morgan and JJ smiled once again knowingly.

_Meanwhile :_

After drawing Elle closer to him Hotch found it even harder to fight back the longing. He bent down and whispered into her ear :

"They are watching us, huh?"

Elle replied quietly : "Sure, like hawks..."

They shared a smile and locked eyes - being instantly lost in the moment. While moving slowly to the music, Hotch kept fighting against the temptation, he knew that in case the others won't watch them, he would just give in and kiss Elle.

_Back at the table:_

"I can't believe that it had been a complete year since Elle had been shot...But it's great to have her back!" Morgan stated.

"And to see Hotch finally a bit happier - he really seems like a giant weight has been lifted from his shoulders..." Reid added.

"Well, Elle is doing that..." JJ pointed out, sharing another knowing smile with Morgan.

Reid raised questioning an eyebrow and asked :

"Hey, you're gonna fill me in about whatever you seem to know which apparently passed me by unnoticed?"

Morgan and JJ looked at each other as if quietly debating if they should tell Reid, then after coming to a silent agreement; Morgan replied simply,

"Never mind..." and smirked.

Not much later Hotch and Elle came back and joined them. After they had they had both taken a seat - next to each other - JJ said :

"Uh, Hotch, your cell phone rang a few minutes ago."

He only nodded. Only a moment passed and it started ringing again, Hotch looked for like a second on the caller's id then he turned the cell off instead of answering the call and put the item in one of the pockets of his jacket.

Soon after that Reid was the first one to leave. JJ suspected that he was upset because Morgan and she hadn't told him the reason for their knowing exchanges...

A short time later Morgan stated :

"Well, I got to go..."

He smiled and got up. When the others looked in the direction where Morgan had headed they saw him approaching a blond woman. They talked for a moment and left.

"He is never going to change, huh?" Elle said smiling.

"I seriously doubt that." Hotch replied.

"Well, he wouldn't be Morgan if he won't flirt all the time..." JJ told them and they started laughing.

A few minutes later Hotch stated :

"Well, I guess it's time to call it a day..."

JJ and Elle nodded. They paid their drinks and got up. After they had left the bar JJ saw a cab and hurried to get to it.

When the cab drove off Hotch looked at Elle and said :

"If you want, I can give you a ride. I mean, it's pretty late so it could take some time until another cab gets here..."

Elle thought for a moment then she replied : "Thanks..."

They shared a smile and went to his car.

_At Elle's place :_

When they stopped in front of the building Hotch got out as well. He was just going to bring her to the door - making sure that she was okay, he told himself - but in the back of his mind he knew that he was moving on very thin ice, it was just too much deja-vu...

Nontheless he followed her into the building. A moment later they stood in front of her apartment door, while Elle searched for the right key, Hotch heard a litlle voice telling him that he could still turn around and leave - but he ignored it.

After opening the door Elle looked at him for a moment, then she stepped aside and let him in. He hurried to close the door and locked it. Before she was able to ask any questions he was in front of her and kissed her harsh, his hands wound in her hair.

He was mad at himself for not being stronger, for losing more and more control over his life, for not being able to ignore his feelings...

And he knew that Elle felt his anger.

When they broke the kiss because of the need for oxygen, Elle wanted to say something but he silenced her with another inexorable kiss and pushed her against the wall.

She put her hands onto the back of his neck, pulling him closer, deepening the kiss.

He pulled her top over her head while she tugged on his shirt. When she tore off a few buttons of his shirt, while hurrying to get it open Hotch glared at Elle, but barely a second later he focused his attention back on undressing her.

While he was still struggling to open her bra, ripping the thin fabric and breaking a clasp in the process, Elle was unbuckling his belt. He had to stop working on the task at hand as she sunk to the ground, pulling his suitpants and boxers down.

When she straightened up again she hold something in front of his face.

"I never understood why you need two guns..."

For a moment he was taken aback by her statement, trying to understand why she had mentioned it, then he just kissed her again and she let the item drop to the ground. When he finally got the ruined bra open he deepened the kiss further, letting the material fall down.

After pulling off her jeans and panties he realized once more how badly he wanted - _needed_her. He gave her another unforgiving kiss when her hand touched accidently the spot where the bullet had hit him.

When he entered her roughly a moment later, she wrapped her legs around his waist. Her head hit the wall as he pushed her even harder against it, but they didn't really notice it, both being totally lost in the passion of the moment...

She leaned her head back when he bit her neck. As he felt her nails starting to lightly scrape the skin on his shoulders a short time later, he broke their kiss, grabbed her wrists and while pinning her hands against the wall he stated in a harsh voice :

"No marks! Haley is not supposed to find this out!"

When they came for the first time and she exclaimed his name he glared angrily at her. A moment later he let out a moan and shifted his weight even more against her, pressing her wrists even harder against the wall.

Only a few seconds later Elle finally freed her hands from his firm grip, she put them on the back of his head pulling his face closer to hers, deepening their kiss further.

As he pulled out and let her down she leaned against him, not willing to let go yet. He put his arms around her and pulled her closer, being as unwilling to break the contact as she. When they started kissing passionately again she let her hands roam over his chest and led him to her bedroom.

They both kept their eyes shut, knowing the way good enough to not needing to see their surroundings. Only a moment after they lay down on her bed he entered her forcibly again, unwilling to wait any longer...

When he felt her nails start scraping the skin on his back again he grabbed her hands and pinned them down next to her slender form on the mattress.

"No marks!" He repeated firmly.

He glared once more at her as she said once again his name between several moans when she came again. He kissed her harsh as he felt the anger rushing back with all its force.

Hotch was so angry with himself for messing up the case in Portland, for being incapable of resisting the longing, for just giving in to his growing feelings for Elle, for not trying harder to save his marriage - and just everything.

When they lay next to each other an hour later and tried to regain control over their labored breathing, Hotch started feeling guilty for being once again that rough to Elle. He had vowed to himself he won't treat her this way ever again after the night, when he had confided in her about his childhood. He knew that she would say that she understood, in case he told her that he was sorry for treating her like this - so he kept quiet and simply gave her a tender kiss on her forehead.

Elle turned to him, a soft smile on her lips, when he looked into her eyes he saw only understanding - just like he had suspected.

A moment later they kissed each other softly and he pulled her into a tight embrace. After a few seconds she snuggled closer to him and a moment later he felt her relaxing in his arms.

Hotch lifted his left hand and let his fingers slide softly through her long, brown hair. Not much later he fall asleep himself - even if he tried to keep himself awake so he could watch Elle sleep - given the fact that he had barely slept at all in the past month it was simply a battle he couldn't win.

_The next morning :_

As he woke up it was already getting light. After watching Elle sleep for a short while he got up. When he had put on his clothes - except of his shirt - he went to the kitchen and made coffee. Then he took the coffee-pot and two mugs and went to the balcony. He sat down at a small white table and stared at his gun, which he had put on the table as well as the other things.

He thought about what Elle had said, but he had no clue why he was carrying two guns. Maybe it was making him feel safer. A short moment later he shrugged and strapped it onto his left ankle.

He took a sip of his coffee and started to think about the past night. He knew it had been wrong, still he couldn't bring himself to regret it and this fact made the confusion he felt even increase.

A smirk appeared on his face as he wondered about how to explain to Haley why he was only wearing a t-shirt.

_Meanwhile :_

When Elle woke up she needed a moment to remember the events of the past night. She noticed immediately that Hotch wasn't there anymore. A moment later she got up and went to her wardrobe.

After she had put on a white top, a pair of blue jeans and a blue sweatshirt jacket she took a light-blue shirt out of the wardrobe and went to search Hotch.

As she saw him standing on the balcony, leaning against the railing, Elle kept standing in the door-way and watched him for a while, then she walked up to him and handed him the shirt.

He smiled grateful at her, took the shirt from her hands and put it on.

After a moment Elle went to pour some coffee into the empty mug. Then she leaned against the railing right next to him.

She looked at him and asked :

"How are you doing? And you can tell me the truth..."

"Honestly? I feel like crap...My arm hurts like hell, I messed up in Portland, I don't spend enough time with Jack and in addition to all of this I feel goddamn confused..."

He looked at her and saw her smiling at him. They locked eyes.

"Well, that your arm hurts is sort of your own fault. As long as you love your son it will never feel like enough and believe me you didn't mess up in Portland...But why are you confused?"

He took a deep breath, he smiled for a short moment at her. Hotch saw how the wind lifted a few strands of her hair, then he turned to look over the city and stated :

"Because I have feelings for someone, feelings I shouldn't have - yet I do..."

He glanced at her for a moment, then he turned back to look over DC.

"If it makes you feel better - I feel so confused that I'm not even sure if this is real or just a dream..."

He looked questioning at her, Elle stared out into the blue then she started :

"A guy..."

"Oh, really?" _Had she maybe met someone while she had been in New York City? Had she already gotten over him, not that he couldn't understand that - after what he had done to her? Had the last night simply been some kind of getting back at him, because she somehow knew that he in fact had fallen for her? _Hotch hoped she won't notice his thoughtful facial expression.

"Yeah, a guy who made me realize that I have to move on, that I have to get my life back on track. A guy who impressed me so much when I first met him with his strength, his intelligence and kindness that I couldn't get him out of my mind. A guy who is able to lighten up my mood no matter how much a case has gotten to me, who has the most wonderful eyes and smile I have ever seen. But he is totally off of limits..."

"Why's that?" _Was it because he wasn't living here? _

"He has a family - plus he is now my boss again..."

She smiled at him and went on, "I tried to get over it but..."

He silenced her with a kiss and when he broke away a bit breathlessly he said :

"You don't have to get over it..."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I want to be with you..."

"What's with Haley?"

Elle stepped back and looked him straight into the eyes.

"I'm going to leave her...I mean, after she had found out about us I really tried to fix things, but in the back of my mind I knew all along that it was pointless - because it isn't what I want..."

He looked at her and went on,

"But in case we give it really a try it would mean to not being able to tell anyone - like you already mentioned - I'm your boss again...It could cost us both our careers if anyone finds out, but I also want to keep working with you. I'm aware of what I'm asking you for - and I could understand if..."

She kept him from going on with kissing him softly. Then she said :

"Aaron, I just want to be with you - and in case keeping it a secret is the prize for it - I'm happy to pay it..."

They locked eyes and he asked quietly, "You're sure?"

She only nodded and they smiled at each other. Then he stated happily :

"Glad you are back."

After they kissed each other another time he said :

"Well, I guess I should better go now if I don't want to be late..."

Elle nodded and they went to the front-door. He gave her a soft kiss on the forehead.

"See you at the office."

_Tbc_

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**A/N: Hope you liked it! I'm not sure when I will be able to update again...Please take the time to REVIEW!!**


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